Big Girls Don't Cry

Several years ago, the pop artist Fergie released a music single called "Big Girls Don't Cry." It was pretty catchy and popular at the time. As I was thinking about my next blog post, that song popped into my head. Here are a few of the lyrics (and no, this is not an endorsement for Fergie or any of her music, etc.):

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry

The path that I'm walkin', I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I started thinking about all the times I've cried since I started this new life journey, and wondered if they were significant at all. I thought about the difference between the tears I cried before this journey and the tears I cry now. I realized that my tears have changed.

Before I decided to make a change, I put a lot of effort into NOT crying. In case you didn't know, not crying can be a form of denial. If I cried, that meant I was acknowledging that something was wrong. If something was wrong, I would have to address it. And if I had to address it, that meant change and pain. So, the fewer the tears the better, no matter how far in despair I was. Better to not deal with it than to cry about it. The times when I did cry were brutal. I made sure to stop before I did too much damage to the "balance" in my life. I was teetering and didn't want to go too far.

The day I decided to do something different with my life and to do it God's way, I cried again. These tears were different. I got an empty journal and wrote down all of the things I hated about myself, my life, the activities I couldn't do, my limitations. As I wrote those things down, I realized I was finally acknowledging a lot of junk in my life. It turned into a confession to God about how far down I had let my sin drag me. And it was all because of choices I made. No one else did this to me. I did it. And I had hurt myself and my relationship with God in the process. So I cried. They were tears of shame and confession, but by the end, they were tears of relief. I knew that God had forgiven me and would help me to truly repent and stop living that old life. He alone could help me change, and He would.

I didn't cry again for a long time after that. In fact, I can't remember another real good cry until I hit the 25-lb loss mark. Those were the first tears of joy I cried on this journey. I wasn't expecting them. In fact, I cried right there in the WW place next to the lady who had weighed me in that day. Can't remember her name, but I remember her smiling like she had seen that sort of thing before. I left there dry eyed, but cried again on the way to work. All good tears. Thankful tears. Hopeful tears. Laughing tears.

Those tears have come up several times since then. When I reach a new milestone, or put on a pair of jeans I've been hiding in the dark crevices of my closet, or when I think about how far God has brought me in such a short amount of time, or when I get an email from someone who has read my blog and related... Those are good tears.

Don't get me wrong: I AM NOT A CRYBABY. (I am, however, a "sympathetic crier" and will cry if I see someone else cry. That condition is strange and cruel sometimes but has no cure. It is just one reason I no longer watch the Halmark channel or anything with "Extreme Makeover" in the title.)

These specific lyrics of Fergie's song stand out to me though because, as a "big girl," I spent a lot of time NOT crying. So please listen carefully as I type the next words...

IT'S OKAY TO CRY! 

It may hurt at first, but the tears don't cause the pain. The pain is already there and has been for a long time. You might as well acknowledge it. Not acknowledging it gives it power over you, and you were not created by the Almighty God to be a powerless person. In fact, He wants to give you His divine, supernatural power to overcome and be victorious!

So stop holding back. Grab an empty journal and start scribbling the words you've been afraid to say out loud. Or go for a long walk in a quiet place and verbalize your fears and disappointments. Confess!

And let go.

Only then can the good tears come. Clean tears. Freed tears. God-given tears.

Faithfully, fluffully His,

Taking Center Stage... Re-Valuing My Value System

As I've mentioned before, I use Lysa TerKeurst's "Made to Crave Devotional" a couple of times a week, and the last section I read was eye opening (Thanks, Lysa!). Lysa briefly shared that Esau and Jacob experienced a major life change that centered around a campfire and a pot of stew. Gotta love a Bible-based food issue, right?

I went back to Genesis to read the story for myself with fresh eyes, so here's the synopsis (full story found in Genesis 25:29-34). Esau and Jacob are brothers. Esau is the oldest and entitled to the biggest and best blessing from dad. He's also the big burly guy in the fam, super hunter, etc. One day after an unsuccessful hunting trip, Esau comes home famished and happens upon brother Jacob cooking some stew. He asks for some; well, demands is a better word. Jacob, in typical little bro fashion, wants to trade up for his cooking efforts. He agrees to give Esau some stew if Esau will trade him the eldest birthright. Esau declares that he's "about to die" of starvation, and thus agrees to the trade. This trade affects the future of nations (yes, plural). Esau sold his future for a bowl of lentil stew and bread! Darn those carbs!

He traded the long-term for short-term pleasure. I realized that I can totally relate to Esau and have placed myself in the same position many times. As with any food issue, the deeper issue was the desire for instant gratification and the focus on a flesh craving. How does this happen? Why do I do that? How do I stop?

As I contemplated those questions and prayed for understanding, the Spirit reminded me that God set eternity in our hearts (Ecclesiastes 3:11). When we elevate our flesh cravings, we lose sight of the eternal craving in our hearts for God. Not only did God put it there, but it's always been there and always will be, unlike an afternoon carb craving. Our God craving is how we know we need Him.

So why is our flesh craving often louder than the eternal calling that is ever present in our hearts? Perhaps, because it is constant, we manage to sometimes drown out the eternal, like a mom who tunes out her child on a road trip when the question comes, "Are we there yet?"

We need to embrace the eternal call daily; amplify it! Give it a microphone and crank up its volume. Knowing that it is the highest calling, we should live in such a way as to magnify that craving so that we always seek Christ more.

Esau is a classic example of a microphone in the wrong hands. He chose to amplify the call of his stomach over the eternal call of God. The same is true for me. If I spend too much energy focused on a chocolate craving, I end up taking the microphone out of God's hands and giving it to my flesh, or the candy bar in my desk drawer. And along with the microphone goes the spotlight. When I put the spotlight on the temporary craving, that craving takes center stage and throws God into the background scenery.

This is a total misplacement of values! When we elevate the value of a temporary craving over the eternal design God has for our lives, we choose to be last in line for the Father's blessing, just as Esau did.

Lord, forgive me! Let me not squander that which is eternally precious for a temporary satisfaction that ultimately steals my joy! Re-value my value system! Here's the mic, Lord! Take center stage!

And flesh... you can exit stage right!

Faithfully, fluffully His,

Pity... Party of One...

Haven't posted lately because, quite honestly, I was throwing myself a pity party. No balloons, no streamers, but all the whine you can drink!

It all started when I bothered to think about how long the road ahead of me is. I started doing negative math. Have you heard of it? It's not like real math where "0 - 1 = -1". No, this is the emotionally and mentally negative math where "all of your successes + a few negative thoughts = failure mentality and giving up." Yeah, that kind of math.

Oh, how quickly the mighty fall when they lose sight of reality! I mistakenly let my focus fall on two major aspects of this journey over which I have zero control.

1. There are way too many tomorrows between my "goal" and me.

In my negative math, I started to calculate how many little goals I have to set in order to reach the big goal. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't encouraging. It wasn't right around the corner. We're talking binoculars or even a telescope needed to see the end.

2. I feel skinnier than I look.

After a wonderful family celebration this weekend, I rushed home to see the pictures. I hadn't taken a real photo of myself since starting this journey, and I was anxious and excited to see a difference and be happy with what I saw. I wasn't. In fact, looking at that photo made me sad and disappointed in myself.

The result? Pity, Part of One!

Do you know the kind of food served at a pity party? Carbs. Do you know the kind of music played at a pity party? None. You are alone with your thoughts.

So where did I go wrong? How did I end the party? How do I keep from falling into the same situation?

First, I should have looked at the situation and the journey in the "Light" and in His reality. If I had done so, my focus would have looked like this:

1. Yes, there are way too many tomorrows between my "goal" and me. But the reality is, I lived way too many yesterdays in sin and, while forgiven, I still have to deal with the consequences of that sin.

Yes, getting to my "goal" is many tomorrows away. But the reality is, I am not promised even one tomorrow. Today is what matters. What will I do today to bring Him glory.

Yes, the journey is long. But the reality is, I don't walk this journey alone.

Yes, my "goal" looks distant. But the reality is, that "goal" is nothing--absolute nothing--in light of my true goal of making myself--mind, soul, flesh--smaller so that He is bigger in my life. My size, now or in the future, plus-size or average, does not determine His glory, nor does it impact His love for me.

2. Yes, I feel skinnier than I look. But the reality is, He's still working on me.

Yes, I feel thinner than I look. But the reality is, I am thinner than I was. 36 pounds thinner!

Yes, I feel different from what I see. But the reality is I'm living life differently this time because I'm not settling for what I see. Instead, I'm focusing on seeing Him.

Next, I had to end the party. How? I said, "No," to myself.

In Matthew 16:24, Jesus says, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."

Instead of the word "deny," the Complete Jewish Bible translation says, "He must say, 'No,' to himself..."

So I did. Believe it or not, we do have a choice.

How do I keep from doing this all over again, time after time? I do just what Jesus said: "...take up his cross and follow me."

Again, the Jewish translation says it more pointedly, "take up his execution stake and keep following me."

In other words, dying to myself, saying no to myself is a process. It does not end. Am I going to stop following Christ just because I mess up along the way? No, I keep following. I keep executing this flesh so that He can be my all.

I love party planning, but I think it's time I start planning to NOT throw a party. That takes a lot more work (or workouts!)... more prayer... more reliance on Jesus for strength... more focus on reality in the light of His Word, rather than the light of my dim flashlight of flesh.

The Light is on! The party is over! Make room for victory!

Faithfully, fluffuly His,

Stop Believing the Lie

"This is just the way I am."

After trying so many different diet plans and seeing each one succeed in the short-term and fail in the long-term, I actually decided to believe this phrase. I even went so far as to become angry or be hurt when people wouldn't "accept me for who I am, as I am."

Guess what: I believed a lie. I chose to give my body far more credit than it deserved. Doing so not only affected my view of myself and my relationship with others, but it left a hole in my relationship with God. That hole allowed me to blame Him for creating me this way and for not rescuing me from this state of being. It must be my call in life to live this way.

Oh, what a lie I believed! God's Word tells me "to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness." (Ephesians 4:22-24)

You need to know that I am by no means "thin" yet. In fact, I am far enough away from reaching a "target weight" that I haven't even done the math to bother setting that goal! I have a long way to go. I think it's safe to say that I will most likely never be known as "skinny." But because my Spirit is in a renewed, recreated, redeemed state of health in Christ Jesus, I think healthier thoughts. I encourage others more. I make healthier choices. I crave lettuce at times!

So I present to you my new truth: That is who I was. He is perfecting me to be who He redeemed me to be.

In Lysa TerKeurst's devotional book "Made to Crave," she says, "Big things are built one brick at a time. Victories are achieved one choice at a time. A life well lived is chosen one day at a time."

I do not long, as I once did, to walk through this journey and come out skinny on the other side. Instead, I choose to live this life in His grace and come out changed.

Faithfully, fluffully yours,

Applying the "Follow-Through"

When I was a kid, I used to play basketball. When I learned to shoot the ball, I was coached to make sure and "follow-through" every time. It's not just the shot itself that matters, but what you do after the ball leaves your hands also makes a difference. That's the follow-through.

I want to document a victory and share it with you in the wake of my last Good Friday post entitled, "Yet I Will." I don't want to just share lessons from God that He teaches me. I want to apply those lessons to my life and heart in order to walk away changed. That's a spiritual follow-through, so to speak. Yesterday morning (all throughout the morning), I chose to follow-through with a "Yet I Will" mindset.

Tuesdays are both my favorite Weight Watchers (WW) days and my most dreaded. I weigh in on Tuesday mornings at 11, so it's a little nerve racking some weeks. However, my "week" of points actually starts on Tuesdays. That means I've survived another week and get a new set of points to look forward to all week.

This Tuesday was one of those nervous kind of days... all because of my weekend fun. You've been there, right? It's your best friend's birthday, and no one should eat an Ultimate Chocolate Cupcake by themselves! Not to mention it's crawfish season here in South Texas. (BTW, any time you choose to eat something "by the pound," there will probably be ramifications.) Hence, my nervous Tuesday.

I had fun this weekend. The crawfish were wonderful, and the cupcake was... Well, words can't really describe those beautiful bites. BUT I did make sure to swim around in the pool a little after we ate, so maybe that helped. I wouldn't know for sure until weigh-in.

As I spent time in prayer yesterday morning, I knew weigh-in was coming and that, most likely, it wouldn't be pretty. That's when I remembered that I can choose now how to respond. So I prayed, not for the scale to read what I wanted, but for strength to praise God even if the scale showed a gain. I told God that I would love to see a loss on that scale, but nevertheless, I was thankful for how far I had come already. I chose to turn my attitude from dread to thanksgiving and praise.

• Thank you, Lord, for giving me a best friend whose birthday I could celebrate!
• Praise God! I feel so much better these days!
• Thank you, Lord, that today is the start of a new WW week! And week 16 at that!
• Praise God! I lost over 30 lbs. in 15 weeks!
• Thank you, Lord, that the scale or the numbers on it aren't my source of victory!
• Praise God! I was able to put on a smaller size in shorts this weekend!
• Thank you, Lord, that I've been able to stop taking two medications since starting this program!
• Praise God! I have a friend and coworker who is going through the program with me!

What a difference it made to get rid of those "but statements" I told you about in my last post. I still had moments prior to weigh-in that had me nervous, but I chose those moments to go to God with a praise and a "yet I will" statement.

Baylor Bears Basketball Player Brittney Griner
(AP/Houston Chronicle photo by Michael Paulsen at komonews.com)

The results of weigh-in: I gained, but my attitude about it was positive. Not only that, but after all the fun I had this past weekend, I only gained about half a pound! 

God is so good, and this journey He's taking me on is good. I encourage you to not just hear a lesson from God, but follow-through and apply His lessons to your life. That's when permanent change takes root!

Faithfully, fluffully yours,

"Yet I Will"

I can barely type the words to share with you the beautiful revelation my Sweet Savior has blessed me with this Good Friday.

I’m studying Jonah using a study by Priscilla Shirer called, “Jonah: Navigating a Life Interrupted.” My lesson today was on repentance. The best way I know to share with you what God has taught me this morning is to take you on the same journey and show you the progression of His insights to me. This is a long blog, but I pray you’ll find it worth your time.

Start with the definition of repentance. Priscilla says that, “Repentance has two aspects:

1. Confession means agreeing with God about any sin or rebellion in our lives and asking Him to rid us of that for which we have no more use.
2. Change calls for changing our mind, attitude, and actions.”

I read on to find another nugget of truth that gave me pause as Priscilla turned my attention to Jonah’s story.
“…whether or not Jonah knew God was never the concern. Clearly he was well acquainted with God. He could discern the leading of God. Yet Jonah had a problem agreeing with God and changing his mind, attitude, and actions to comply with God. His heart was out of alignment with the heart of God.”

The question came to me after re-reading this paragraph several times: What does agreeing with God sound like? How do I agree with God in practice, even when I don’t like what He’s doing? There are some times that I just plain don’t like with how He’s handling a situation. What then?

I began to replay some of those instances and my prayers that accompanied them in my head. They sounded something like this…

“Lord, I know you want what is best for me, but could you…”
“Lord, your will be done, but if it’s okay could we…”
“Lord, I hear what you’re saying and want to change, but…”
“Lord, bless that person in this circumstance, but show them they’re wrong about…”

I realized that my version of agreeing with God wasn’t agreeing at all. My version was full of what I’m now calling “but statements.” In order to agree with God, I have to stop ending my prayers with the “but statements.” If I end a sentence with an exclamation point instead of a period, I completely change my whole conversation. The same is true in my use of “but statements.”

Then it hit me: Jesus didn’t use a “but statement” to end His prayers at the hardest point in His ministry. When He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane, He lived out what it means to agree with God.

1. His prayer, mind, and attitude were pleading yet submitted.

Luke 22:41-42 says, “And he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, saying, ‘Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours be done.’”
Mark 14:35-36 shows the same event. Verse 36 says, “And he said. ‘Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.’”

Christ, even in the depths of despair, didn’t say, “Your will be done, Father, but please don’t do it.” Instead, He presented He sorrowful, gut-wrenching plea to the Father, and ended with, “but your will.” Oh, how that changes everything!

2. His actions conveyed His agreement.

Not only did He say, “but your will,” He then followed through with God’s will… all the way to the Cross. He followed through, even though it cost Him His very life. The words Jesus prayed were beautiful, but they are but a glimpse into His submitted heart. The truest and clearest picture of His heart was displayed for the world to see in Jesus’ life poured out for us.

After I gathered myself up from all that, I went back to Jonah to finish my actual study guide lesson. Priscilla had me read portions of Jonah 2 (v. 2, 4, 7, 9) and underline phrases of Jonah’s prayer in the belly of the fish that showed he was having a change of heart. Guess what I underlined…

“I cried out to the Lord,”
“I called to you,”
“Yet I will,”
“But I will,”
“I will,”

Jonah gained a repentant heart when he chose submission. Choosing submission meant agreeing with God. Agreeing with God meant changing his former “but statements” to “I will” statements, followed by action in obedience.

I didn’t know I could see a picture of Christ in the story of Jonah, but oh, how I’m drawing connections now! I started out studying Jonah and repentance and made it all the way to the Cross and submission.

I didn’t bring my cup of coffee to my Bible study time this morning expecting to get a Good Friday lesson, but I’m humbled by His love that my Sweet Savior would give me one anyway. Thank you, Lord, for being my Teacher today! Thank you for drawing me back to the cross to celebrate and remember all you did that day so long ago and how it changes everything for me today.

Friends, I know this is a blog primarily about my weight loss journey, but part of that journey is repentance, submission, and a call to action. Draw your own connections in your heart. God is drawing them in mine.

I pray you have a truly Good Friday today.

Faithfully, fluffully, yours… NOT TO MENTION REDEEMED!