Butterflies Gotta Fly... Breaking Out of My Cocoon

It's hot. It's humid. It's June. It is month number 6, the mid-point of this year known as 2012. Is anyone else thinking, "Wow, when did that happen?"

My birthday is in December. When I decided, and I mean really decided, to bring my weight and health fully under God's control, one of the key factors in helping me make that decision was knowing what I had NOT accomplished in that year. In fact, in December (2011) I looked back on the last several years of my life and realized that I had zero significant accomplishments, or memories, worth sharing. If I had to scrapbook the past few years, the pictures would be few and blurry. I had learned very little and grown even less... mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I hadn't stepped outside my comfort zone in years. I had built a cocoon of a "less than" life, and I wanted OUT!

On my 32nd birthday, I promised and challenged myself to try at least 12 new things before my 33rd birthday. I didn't make a list of things to try. I just promised myself to try new things and keep myself open to  experiencing newness again. At that same time, I decided that this would be the year of true change... the kind that can only come from the hand of God.

So, it's June already. When I wrote the date in my journal and realized that this year was half over, I started to panic. That's kind of what I do. It's my go-to response, but I'm working on it. I started to think, "Oh, no! I haven't done anything yet and am already behind!" because that's been true for the past few years. But then I stopped and breathed and decided to list what these first six months of 2012 have held for me. I wanted an accurate picture so that I could see what I need to do to change. My list surprise me.

1. I made a commitment to God and to myself. I STARTED SOMETHING OF VALUE!
2. I have tried 8, yes EIGHT, new things in my goal of 12. Granted, most of them have been food-related due to the fact that I'm changing the way I eat. But for a West Texas girl who grew up on a pig farm, eating sushi for the first time is a big deal! (Thanks to one of my best friends, Rachel, for guiding me in sushi eating! She picked raw fish that I managed to keep down and not spit out.)
3. I GAVE MYSELF A VOICE. I actually went public with my story by starting a blog. I took the biggest sin issue in my life, one of my most shameful characteristics, and laid it out for the worldwide web to see. And so far, I've had over 1,000 hits on it and positive, encouraging feedback. Who knew?
4. I joined a gym... and actually GO TO THE GYM.
5. I lost over 45 POUNDS (46.2 as of today)! 

I think it's safe to say that "Praise the Lord!" is a more appropriate response than panic.

Yes, this year is flying by as quickly as so many other years in my life. But this year is different. This year means something new. This year, I'm living. It's not a big life or a fast life. It's not a world-traveling, sight-seeing life. It's not a life that is checking of bucket-list items. It's not an event-filled life with a social calendar that is booked every night (or even every other weekend, for that matter). 

But this is a life worth living. This is a life in which I sleep soundly at night and wake up excited for a new day. This is a life that enjoys a morning cup of coffee with a big side of God's Word and low-sugar maple and brown sugar oatmeal with low-fat margarine. This is a life of intent, love, and light... all because I opened myself up to God. I used to "pray" for God to change me, but I was so afraid of what change meant. I was afraid that change could only mean pain.

Pain is definitely a part of the package. I'm sore today because I ran for the first time on the gym treadmill instead of only walking (and didn't fall off, by the way!). I've shed quite a few tears as I turned loose some dreams that I had been holding too tightly. I've experienced some loneliness when choices I've made haven't lined up with the choices of those around me.

But all of that pales in comparison to the love, grace, peace, and downright happiness I've felt with Jesus. The more I open up to Him, the more I let go of fear and control, the more freedom I feel. I feel more loved and have become more loving of others. Things aren't great, and the bills still stack up every payday. But I'm happy to live life because I know that each day is a gift from God just for me.

God did not create me to be a caterpillar trapped in a cocoon of my own sad making. He gave all He had to give so that I could fly free.

Butterflies gotta fly, and my wings have spread! Bring on the rest of 2012!

Faithfully, fluffully His,

A fluffy girl walks into a gym...

I'm on my third or fourth week of making exercise a consistent part of my life. In Weight Watchers (WW) terms, that's equaled a minimum of 14 Activity Points (AP) a week. In layman terms, I basically shoot for 20 to 30 minutes of steady exercise most days. So far so good.

However, most of that activity has consisted of walking in my neighborhood with my dogs, and it is officially hot  and humid in the Houston area. Therefore, activity outside is not the same appealing option it was a few weeks ago. That means, I need to find options now as alternatives.

I haven't had a gym membership in close to five years. The last time I had one, I only got it because my BFF had one and committed to going with me as a workout buddy.

My insurance sent an email this week about a new Fitness Program for just $25 a month and access to a variety of of gyms. A good deal with gyms in their program are in my neighborhood? SCORE! I was actually excited to sign up AND excited to go workout (in air conditioning). You need only to look back at my previous posts on exercise to know I'm not exactly a fan, so being excited here is completely new to me! Praise the Lord!

I had two meetings at church after work that night, so I rushed home from work, changed into semi-decent workout attire, filled a water bottle, grabbed a sweat towel, and headed to church for my meetings. I was on track for success. It wasn't until I started walking out of the church that I started having doubts.

I started thinking that maybe it would be a good idea to just go drop the paperwork off at the gym and go back in the morning for a workout. I told myself to get in the car and drive over there, but with every block I drove, my insecurity monitor went higher and higher. Excuses started playing in my head. Fears came to the surface. By the time I pulled into the parking lot, I had made up my mind that I would only go in if the parking lot wasn't crowded. It was crowded, but not full by any means. Plus, the gym is in a shopping center, so the cars could have been for any number of businesses there. Then I decided to watch the people traffic to see if anybody looked remotely like me and not some insanely gorgeous skinny chics in tight yoga pants and sports bras or body builder guys in spandex. There were a few guys who could bench press me, but most of the people coming and going were families who had just worked out together and a lot of older white guys with large bellies who looked like they were about to have heart attacks. My kind of exercise buddies.

Still, I drove around the parking lot for a full 10 minutes trying to convince myself that I shouldn't go in. Why?! I was scared of how others would stare at me or judge me as too fat to be there or just plain laugh at me. Then it hit me... I'm a funny gal who loves to laugh. I spend most days at work making people laugh and enjoying people's good humor. If the worst thing that happens is that I make someone else laugh today by going in that gym, is it really so bad? Plus, if I go home now, I have an entire evening ahead of me with zero items on my to-do list. That means I will literally end up on the couch for the next four hours. Is it really worth skipping a workout to be who I used to be, Couch Potato Kerri? No. And to boot, that Kerri does NOT glorify God.

So you may have heard this joke before. A fluffy girl walks into a gym... And guess what... The punchline didn't change. She still just worked out and life went on.

That's right. I pulled up my big girl panties, grabbed my ipod and exercise necessities and walked into the gym. Nobody looked my way. Nobody told me that I didn't belong there. Nobody rolled their eyes when they saw me approaching the treadmills next to them. Nobody cared! I was just another person doing my thing.

That's when I realized that every fear and excuse I had told myself in the parking lot wasn't just Satan trying to defeat me; I was trying to defeat myself. My flesh. Every pound of this fluffy flesh that I've earned bite by fattening bite does not want me to succeed. So it's up to the fluffy child of God inside me to take the lead and push through.

Why?

Because I'm worth way more than that. I am worthy of fearlessness. I am able to do ALL things. And I have the scars of a Savior who overcame death itself to prove it.

I walked out of that gym a little sweatier and with my head held a lot higher. No fear. And all I could say was, "Praise you, Lord. All things really ARE possible in Christ!"

What's keeping you in the proverbial "parking lot" instead of inside doing the work, whatever that may be? If it's fear or insecurity, you deserve better. Go get it!

Faithfully, fluffully His,

WWMD (What Would MacGyver Do?)

If you could invite 10 people to dinner, dead, alive or imaginary, who would you choose?

I have to say, one of my guests would definitely be MacGyver. He is one of the reasons I keep bobby-pins in my purse, and car, and desk, and in random places around my house. I truly believe that, next to duct tape, a bobby-pin is one of the most valuable tools in a person's life. All because of MacGyver. He's the only man I'll ever forgive for wearing a mullet.

I didn't get home tonight in time to go for a walk and ended up on the couch for a bit. I decided to take a look online at Shape magazine to see what's new. I came across some 2-for-1 exercises that worked by using hand weight exercises/reps along with some leg work to tone arms and legs at the same time. Most of the pictures looked easy enough, so I decided to dig out my hand weights.

That led to a full 10 minutes tearing up the house looking for the long lost weights, which haven't been used in years. When I finally gave up the search, I was disappointed that I wouldn't be able to get in a low-impact workout like I had hoped. I wasn't in the mood for cardio, of which I have plenty of exercise DVDs. About to give up and settle into my old routine of TV+couch=norm, I thought to myself, "What would MacGyver do?"

Improvise.

Surely, there's something around this house that is light enough and small enough to serve as a temporary "hand weight." It's not like I need heavy weights to help me bulk up. I just need something small and light, right?

The only thing I could think of was to look in my pantry. I had two cans of broth that were just the right size. And so commenced my toning workout. Guess what... my improvised gym equipment worked just fine! My arms are tired and I worked up a nice little sweat. Mission accomplished!

So what did this little experiment prove? I proved to myself that I don't really have any excuse not to do SOMETHING. I don't have to do an elaborate workout or even put on my shoes to help meet my exercise/Activity Point goals for the week.

MacGyver would be proud.

If you're interested in the Shape magazine article, here it is:
http://www.shape.com/fitness/workouts/two-one-toning-exercises

Faithfully, fluffully yours,

Bird Poop

Week 1 of adding exercise to my routine paid off! Who knew, right? Lost 3.4 lbs with a few walks of the dogs and a little house cleaning. Score! Back on track after two weeks of gain. Praise the Lord!

When I found out the good news at weigh-in on Tuesday, I was even more excited to keep up the exercise routine. Tuesday was a beautiful walk. Wednesday's... well, it started out nice.

My routine has been to change into my workout clothes as soon as I get home from work. That way I don't get sidetracked. Plus, it helps me to eat a little better at dinner after my walk. Don't want to waste the work I did! The doggies have adapted to the routine, too. As soon as I pull out my tennis shoes, they start jumping around excitedly. Jaxon goes straight to the door so he can be the first to get his leash! My sweet old man!

Shoes on, leashes on, earbuds in, door locked. We chose a new route Wednesday, trying to keep it fresh for the dogs and myself. Halfway through our walk, Jaxon seemed a little more tired than on previous walks since it was hotter outside. Luckily, I spotted a tree-covered sidewalk ahead and changed our route to include it. We strolled much slower once we hit the trees so the dogs could cool off. And that's when it happened. 

I got pooped on by a bird.

I did not see said bird, but I am confident it was a large bird. The "debris" was significant. It was disgusting. In my rush to get it off my chest, I almost used my hand to wipe it. I quickly realized my error and grabbed a stick instead.

It's then, in that moment, that I realized just how far I had come. The old Kerri would have removed the poop, taken it as a "sign from God" that I was not meant to exercise, walked home, and put her tennis shoes back in the closest with a perfect excuse to leave them there. Nature itself was rejecting my choice to exercise, right?!

Mr. Blue Bird on my shoulder...

Instead, the new Kerri, grabbed a stick and, as she started removing the bird poop, though to herself, "This bird must have an excellent level of fiber intake in its diet." 

That's right, fiber. Along with my recent addition of exercise to my diet, I've made a conscious effort to get a recommended daily dose of fiber through my food choices. So it's been on my mind lately.

And rather than use bird poop as an excuse to stop exercising, I chose to see it as an acknowledgement of my good choices. That bird was saying, "Look! I'm working on my fiber intake, too!" 

Well, good for you, birdie. Good for you! As for me, I walked again tonight. Only this time, I avoided all trees!

Faithfully, fluffully yours,

Stop Believing the Lie

"This is just the way I am."

After trying so many different diet plans and seeing each one succeed in the short-term and fail in the long-term, I actually decided to believe this phrase. I even went so far as to become angry or be hurt when people wouldn't "accept me for who I am, as I am."

Guess what: I believed a lie. I chose to give my body far more credit than it deserved. Doing so not only affected my view of myself and my relationship with others, but it left a hole in my relationship with God. That hole allowed me to blame Him for creating me this way and for not rescuing me from this state of being. It must be my call in life to live this way.

Oh, what a lie I believed! God's Word tells me "to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness." (Ephesians 4:22-24)

You need to know that I am by no means "thin" yet. In fact, I am far enough away from reaching a "target weight" that I haven't even done the math to bother setting that goal! I have a long way to go. I think it's safe to say that I will most likely never be known as "skinny." But because my Spirit is in a renewed, recreated, redeemed state of health in Christ Jesus, I think healthier thoughts. I encourage others more. I make healthier choices. I crave lettuce at times!

So I present to you my new truth: That is who I was. He is perfecting me to be who He redeemed me to be.

In Lysa TerKeurst's devotional book "Made to Crave," she says, "Big things are built one brick at a time. Victories are achieved one choice at a time. A life well lived is chosen one day at a time."

I do not long, as I once did, to walk through this journey and come out skinny on the other side. Instead, I choose to live this life in His grace and come out changed.

Faithfully, fluffully yours,

Applying the "Follow-Through"

When I was a kid, I used to play basketball. When I learned to shoot the ball, I was coached to make sure and "follow-through" every time. It's not just the shot itself that matters, but what you do after the ball leaves your hands also makes a difference. That's the follow-through.

I want to document a victory and share it with you in the wake of my last Good Friday post entitled, "Yet I Will." I don't want to just share lessons from God that He teaches me. I want to apply those lessons to my life and heart in order to walk away changed. That's a spiritual follow-through, so to speak. Yesterday morning (all throughout the morning), I chose to follow-through with a "Yet I Will" mindset.

Tuesdays are both my favorite Weight Watchers (WW) days and my most dreaded. I weigh in on Tuesday mornings at 11, so it's a little nerve racking some weeks. However, my "week" of points actually starts on Tuesdays. That means I've survived another week and get a new set of points to look forward to all week.

This Tuesday was one of those nervous kind of days... all because of my weekend fun. You've been there, right? It's your best friend's birthday, and no one should eat an Ultimate Chocolate Cupcake by themselves! Not to mention it's crawfish season here in South Texas. (BTW, any time you choose to eat something "by the pound," there will probably be ramifications.) Hence, my nervous Tuesday.

I had fun this weekend. The crawfish were wonderful, and the cupcake was... Well, words can't really describe those beautiful bites. BUT I did make sure to swim around in the pool a little after we ate, so maybe that helped. I wouldn't know for sure until weigh-in.

As I spent time in prayer yesterday morning, I knew weigh-in was coming and that, most likely, it wouldn't be pretty. That's when I remembered that I can choose now how to respond. So I prayed, not for the scale to read what I wanted, but for strength to praise God even if the scale showed a gain. I told God that I would love to see a loss on that scale, but nevertheless, I was thankful for how far I had come already. I chose to turn my attitude from dread to thanksgiving and praise.

• Thank you, Lord, for giving me a best friend whose birthday I could celebrate!
• Praise God! I feel so much better these days!
• Thank you, Lord, that today is the start of a new WW week! And week 16 at that!
• Praise God! I lost over 30 lbs. in 15 weeks!
• Thank you, Lord, that the scale or the numbers on it aren't my source of victory!
• Praise God! I was able to put on a smaller size in shorts this weekend!
• Thank you, Lord, that I've been able to stop taking two medications since starting this program!
• Praise God! I have a friend and coworker who is going through the program with me!

What a difference it made to get rid of those "but statements" I told you about in my last post. I still had moments prior to weigh-in that had me nervous, but I chose those moments to go to God with a praise and a "yet I will" statement.

Baylor Bears Basketball Player Brittney Griner
(AP/Houston Chronicle photo by Michael Paulsen at komonews.com)

The results of weigh-in: I gained, but my attitude about it was positive. Not only that, but after all the fun I had this past weekend, I only gained about half a pound! 

God is so good, and this journey He's taking me on is good. I encourage you to not just hear a lesson from God, but follow-through and apply His lessons to your life. That's when permanent change takes root!

Faithfully, fluffully yours,